A “Laundry & Bourbon” Hangover

Our one-act show about three women living in Maynard, Texas circa Late ‘60s, opened and closed this past weekend. I played a Baptist gossip named Amy Lee who preys on the private lives of others. From Friday to Sunday Matinee, we gave three performances to small but enthusiastic audiences. Before every show, we painted on our Tammy-Fay faces, put up our big hair, and Vaselined our teeth. I felt just like Whittley from “Different World.” No one would every suspect the vicious tongue behind these pearly whites! After every show, I had a mild but chronic headache. I think it was from my pitchy-shrilly Texan-Baptist accent.

I had the privilege of working with another great cast, a great directing team, and another memorable experience of unleashing my love of thespian culture on the unsuspecting folks of Ocean Springs. I’ve been deathly afraid I wouldn’t be able to shake the accent after the show. It’s jeyust sew mutch fuhhhhhhhn! Already, I’ve caught myself saying lines in passing conversations--- they fit the context so well, it just happen naturally. I almost want to go to a Baptist service now, just to check it out, see if the “Blood of the Lamb” really comes up in small talk.

Another side story: I had to sew my own dress for the show. It was really cool! The process, the pattern… not so much the fabric which was intentionally chosen for its tackiness. I put in a zipper, stitched in darts and made my own button hole! Of course, I have to tell everyone, “You see this? I made this!” There was some cussing, I’ll admit, and there were a few seems ripped (“this hurts me more than it hurts you”), but overall, I think everyone should make a complete outfit at least once, AND on a deadline. ;) Just interpreting the Simplicity pattern instructions was an exercise in foreign language. Simple, my ass. It took me five times of reading the instruction for the sleeves and borrowing the other girl’s dress to see how her mom sewed in the sleeves, before I figured out what “adjusting along the bobbin thread” was supposed to mean. Sometimes, you just have to do it and mess it up, before you know what the hell you’re supposed to do.

I finished on time with my last hem, just a few hours before Opening Night. It makes me that much more appreciative for all the work our Grandmas did just to clothe themselves and their families. And they didn’t have patters to follow! I’d be like, “F&^$% that noise, I’m outsourcing this *&^%*# to Malaysia.”

Reflection Upon A Spider's Web

I'll admit it.

It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to get all wrapped up in my own personal and oft pretend business and busy-ness. Just as my worries are about to escalate, I find that I can be completely leveled in awe and admiration for Nature's beauty that surrounds us, like I was this morning by the delicate intricacies of a spider's great web, framed in dew. For at least 30 seconds, I allow myself this humble distraction, appreciating the beauty and perfect symmetry in form and function of Mother Nature's use of Fibonacci’s numbers.

Feeling refreshed with renewed perspective, I head back towards the house.

But first, I'll spend the next five minutes looking for bugs to throw into Ms. Spider's web.

...who says there's no free lunch once in a while?...

Farewell and Ado to Ye Fair Spainish Maiden...

Brian has been boat browsing online lately, the same way I used to “shop” for a dog in Alaska. He thinks he’s just doing price comparisons, but I can see the love/lust in his eyes. I know the various files he’s built with photos and Web links to his latest boat girlfriend of the week. There’s no holding him back now. Do I feel threatened? Not at all. I’ve already told Brian that when I’m on board, I pull Alpha Girlfriend Status. But otherwise, I think it’s all very cool. I love boats and the water, and the whole prospect is quite exciting. I’ve always enjoyed boat-people culture. Brian’s been teaching me about the different kinds of boats, walk-arounds vs. center-counsel. Some have plastic tops, some have bimminy (canvas) tops that stretch shade over the Captain. Then of course, there’s your port/starbird and bow/stern. Watch me work the lingo. Maybe one day, I’ll be a Real boat-person…

Lo and behold, Brian surprises me last Sunday by telling me we bought a boat. Really?! Let’s see! We had to go pick it up in Vancleave, a 20 minute drive north of us. He scored a major deal on it, paying only half of its retail value. It’s been ever-so-gently used and comes with its own marine battery, engine, and two paddles. Paddles?

Surprise! It’s a canoe. So, for the moment, we’re more like canoe-people.

We already took our new member of the family out on her maiden voyage in the Davis Bayou. It’s nice! A green Pelican, with three seats, each with its own drink holder for your beer! Or soda. The motor is a nice perk, for those times when you just want to get back to shore because low-lying clouds and lightening are closing in. Here, Brian is trying to figure this boat motor for the first time, trying to screw it on without it falling in the water, and in typical Marlena-fashion, I’m asking him all these unrelated questions, like, “Did you and the girls ever get rained on when you went boating?” “Will a motor short-out if it gets rained on?” …“Are there alligators in here?” “Do you think an alligator could tip a canoe? What if it really wanted to?” “Did you see that big splash?” …”Brian, it’s lightening over there. Should we turn back?” “Look at those monster clouds! They look like burnt marshmallows!” “Would you take a bite out of that cloud if it were made of burnt marshmallows?”

It was a short boat ride, but at least we know everything works! We were able to get her out of the water before the skies opened up. Unfortunately, there’s a little more that’s goes into packing up a canoe for the day, beyond getting it out of the water. I’ve already learned my first marine lesson. Tying a boat up is no more fun in the rain than being stuck on a boat in the rain.

I love it though. I’ll be looking forward to packing a cooler, our fishing gear, and maybe Gretchen for afternoon cruises through the bayou. I’m training Gretchen to “Sit” in the canoe. We’re going to practice in the backyard.

Where's Cousin Eddy? He usually eats these g**damn things...

And now, it’s time for my favorite game! It's theeeee...

“What The Hell Is That?” Game!

Any time I spot an insect, arachnid, amphibian, reptile, green cloud formation, anything crawling in my house, road kill, strange bug bites (on me or Gretchen), I try to identify it. But first I say, “What the hell is that??!” You can play along too, At-Home Audience!

Today’s “What the hell is that” features a creepy-crawly neighbor that decided to seek shade under the wheel of my car. Ain’t he cute? I had to shoot it--- with my camera of course! I found snakes in our yard before but was never able to ID them. Can you guess? It’s a juvenile Cottonmouth moccasin. Yeah, also known as, you touch- you die. But I didn’t find that out until later, when the nice people from NPR’s “Creature Comforts” program emailed me back.

So, here I am throwing sticks at this thing, trying to get it to move from under my tire. I just wasn’t ready to adopt the natives’ mantra, “The only good snake is a dead snake.” But it still wouldn’t move. So, I told the snake, “Let me show you how we do things where I come from.”

I swaggered over to the fence, grabbed the hose, adjusted the nozzle setting to “Blast ‘Em," and I sprayed that SOB like my sister sprays the neighborhood Mexican kids. They ask for it while she’s watering her garden. They think it’s fun, and so does she.

The snake was moving now! Only not in the direction I expected. Instead of slithering away, the snake came at the jet stream of water like a surfer grabbing hold of a big wave, it’s cotton-white mouth open wide. “Yeah, let’s dance” I told it, feeling more like a dentist washing out its fillings. “You like that? Yeah? So does your momma--- Say ‘Ahh!’”

After at least three minutes of this, the snake gave up and unhurriedly slipped into the grass. Perfect timing, because now I have to leave, or I’ll be late. I got in the car through the passenger side just in case, and guess who’s still there? Coiled up right beside the concrete! I threw a penny at it from my open window, for good luck (and to see what it would do; snake was unimpressed with my offering).

One of the deadliest snakes in the U.S. and I’m throwing sticks and pennies at it. Just call me the Snake Charmer. Next thing you know, I’ll be speaking in tongues… which is funny since I AM playing the part of a “Baptist to the Teeth” lady from Texas in a play titled, “Laundry and Bourbon.” The three-women One-Act open September 18-20. I like to think the Spirit is still with me when I get home from play practice, 'jes watching over me when it's too dark to see what devil serpent might be a'waitin' under the car.