Where's Cousin Eddy? He usually eats these g**damn things...

And now, it’s time for my favorite game! It's theeeee...

“What The Hell Is That?” Game!

Any time I spot an insect, arachnid, amphibian, reptile, green cloud formation, anything crawling in my house, road kill, strange bug bites (on me or Gretchen), I try to identify it. But first I say, “What the hell is that??!” You can play along too, At-Home Audience!

Today’s “What the hell is that” features a creepy-crawly neighbor that decided to seek shade under the wheel of my car. Ain’t he cute? I had to shoot it--- with my camera of course! I found snakes in our yard before but was never able to ID them. Can you guess? It’s a juvenile Cottonmouth moccasin. Yeah, also known as, you touch- you die. But I didn’t find that out until later, when the nice people from NPR’s “Creature Comforts” program emailed me back.

So, here I am throwing sticks at this thing, trying to get it to move from under my tire. I just wasn’t ready to adopt the natives’ mantra, “The only good snake is a dead snake.” But it still wouldn’t move. So, I told the snake, “Let me show you how we do things where I come from.”

I swaggered over to the fence, grabbed the hose, adjusted the nozzle setting to “Blast ‘Em," and I sprayed that SOB like my sister sprays the neighborhood Mexican kids. They ask for it while she’s watering her garden. They think it’s fun, and so does she.

The snake was moving now! Only not in the direction I expected. Instead of slithering away, the snake came at the jet stream of water like a surfer grabbing hold of a big wave, it’s cotton-white mouth open wide. “Yeah, let’s dance” I told it, feeling more like a dentist washing out its fillings. “You like that? Yeah? So does your momma--- Say ‘Ahh!’”

After at least three minutes of this, the snake gave up and unhurriedly slipped into the grass. Perfect timing, because now I have to leave, or I’ll be late. I got in the car through the passenger side just in case, and guess who’s still there? Coiled up right beside the concrete! I threw a penny at it from my open window, for good luck (and to see what it would do; snake was unimpressed with my offering).

One of the deadliest snakes in the U.S. and I’m throwing sticks and pennies at it. Just call me the Snake Charmer. Next thing you know, I’ll be speaking in tongues… which is funny since I AM playing the part of a “Baptist to the Teeth” lady from Texas in a play titled, “Laundry and Bourbon.” The three-women One-Act open September 18-20. I like to think the Spirit is still with me when I get home from play practice, 'jes watching over me when it's too dark to see what devil serpent might be a'waitin' under the car.